The Farm Upstate: Talking to Kids When Your Pet Dies

Helping you help your kid grieve the loss of a pet

Jan 31, 2025

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We had a dog named Christopher, so I’m told as I don’t really remember him. I was only a couple of years old when my parents got him. He was a pure-bred Lhasa Apso.

The story goes that Christopher was a moody little asshole and had this tendency to bite me for no particular reason. I mean, I’m not that likeable so I get it, but it’s one of those things that you need to consider when you put dogs and kids together. If they don’t get along, there’s really only one you can get return. So, Christopher went back to the breeder and we took a 10-year break on pets. I believe I was 12 when we got Nikki.

My kids, on the other hand, have never had a pet. We’ve told them it’s because I’m allergic to cats (very, very true) and Mom is allergic to dogs (mostly true), but the ugly truth is that we’re not a pet family. We like to do things and travel, and not worry about having to rush home to take out the dog. And, let’s be honest, there’s no such thing as a family pet, just as there is no such thing as the family’s house. It’s always going to fall to the parents to deal with. During the winter storms of January 2025, I would watch people in my neighborhood walk their dogs as wind-driven snow blew horizontally and pelted their face. And that’s okay, if that’s what you want to do. My wife and I don’t1.

As a result, there’s one other thing that my kids will never endure as children: the death of their pet.

We spent much of the fall talking about pet grief, but mostly from the adults’ perspective. We didn’t didn’t hear much from kids, though Ava Schewe, a friend of mine’s daughter, offered up the following words on losing her family’s dogs:

Losing him was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. He died from cancer, so it wasn’t quick and easy, which may have been the worst part of it all. I had to watch something that in my memory of my childhood was all I've ever knew fade away day by day. The day he passed I didn’t give him his daily good-boys and hug goodbye, which I was immediately sad about when I got on the bus. I never realized how deeply I would regret that moment. The second my parents walked into our grandparents house to get me and my brother after school, I knew Fritz was gone. I have never seen my dad — the strongest and most admirable man in my life — shed so much as one tear and I didn’t think it was possible, but he walked in crying and I felt my heart shattered inside of me.

One of the things we talked a lot about during the Kids & Death series is making the discussion age-appropriate and meeting children where they are. That’s entirely true when dealing with the passing of a grandparent or other relative. I’m not sure it is so much with a pet.

Pets are very much there in your face and at your feet constantly. Grandparents…ehhhhh, not so much. For most of us, grandma and grandpa live somewhere else. And, unless you come from a family with very different customs, very rarely are grandparents as dependent on your child as a pet is. And, I do believe that pets and children develop a mutual dependency.

Pet owners will go on and on about the unconditional love and devotion that a pet shows them, but I would say that is amplified exponentially in the relationship between kids and pets. Younger children develop instant relationships with the animal, treating them almost as a beloved stuffed animal, but one that is responsive to their emotions. Older kids might find anxiety relief in their pet, like a therapy dog, that provides the emotional attention they are lacking2.

Along the same lines as the death of a human, though, approaching this conversation is different depending on how old the child is.

Emily Kulkus sort of scratched the surface of this, writing about the declining health of her own dog, in a recent Surviving Parenting column for Syracuse.com3:

When the kids got home that afternoon, we had a really emotional conversation as a family. They know he’s getting older but besides losing a couple of betta fish, they’ve never experienced a loss like this. I realized I needed to be more clear about what was coming. I explained that while it thankfully didn’t happen that day, at some point we might have to decide that it’s time to put our sweet boy down; that he might be in too much pain or can’t walk well enough to get around or to go outside. We explained that the veterinarian would give him medicine to help him fall asleep and we could be there to scratch his ears and make sure he wasn’t scared. I told the kids that if they wanted to be there when that happened they could be, but they didn’t have to be or have to decide right now.
We all cried as we talked through what would undoubtedly be some really tough days and decisions ahead. But I knew it was important to prepare them for what will be the greatest loss in their lives to date.

Emily’s kids are close enough in age where she didn’t have to vary the conversation much. She got to hit it head-on in a manner appropriate to their age.

Meet Them Where They Are

Discussions about death, whether it’s about a parent or pet, needs to be appropriate to their stage in life. A toddler or preschooler will notice where the dog or cat went, but likely not understand the permanence of death.

The Road Runner dropped Wile E. Coyote off of how many cliffs only to have him bounce back? Captain America couldn’t die. The Avengers…they showed us that you can bring the dead back to life by snapping your finger.

Plain language and a description is helpful. The trip to a farm upstate isn’t going to work, but explaining that the dog’s heart stopped beating, that the vet gave them something to stop the pain, or that the cat’s body doesn’t work anymore could be enough. Explain that they will no longer see their pet again, and avoid soft language like passed away, went to heaven, or went to sleep and won’t wake up. Children are imbued with magical thinking or may not understand the nuance. “Of course they will wake up.” “I want to go to heaven with them.” Use the teachable moment you’ve been presented so that way, when it’s time to discuss the death of a family member, they have a better understanding of what happened. Getting to the point and providing just enough information to answer questions or convey the message will prevent confusion.

There might be sadness. Validate those feelings and let them know it’s okay to miss their pet. And if there isn’t? That’s okay, too. It doesn’t mean they’re sociopaths; it means that they are still processing their feelings.

And if they ask over and over again what happened? Bury the feelings of annoyance and recognize that this is how they are coping with life and death. Kids are smarter than they look, but it might take some time to internalize this new world-turning concept.

Most of that will apply to your school-aged child too. These worldly second, third and fourth graders understand concepts better and know more words. They also have a better handle (to varying degrees) on how to manage their emotions. Again, being upfront and honest is key.

And, it opens the door to whether you think they can handle conversations in advance. If you know your dog is going to take its last ride to the vet soon, this is the age that might be able to handle the discussion. Kids who can’t control their emotions or are overly anxious might struggle in this regard. You know your child best, but giving a kid a chance to say goodbye might be important to them as part of the grief process.

And they will grieve. Adults cast sweeping generalizations on kids in many ways, especially around grief. I think we believe they aren’t old enough to grieve a death, be it an adult, peer or animal, but that’s absolutely false. Each child is going to take their grief journey differently; as parents, we’re there to help guide them, validate them and provide a forum to express their feelings.

Adolescents and teens are likely more prepared for this conversation, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be tears. Teens and tweens are bad-ass tough guys (and girls), but they are inextricably attached to two things — their families and their pets — and the loss from either of those camps will cause pain. The upshot is that you are more able to have an adult-level conversation with them about what they’re feeling and how you can help.

When Are We Getting Another Pet?

You can be most assured that your child or children will pose this question to you in the days after the last pet has died. The experts agree that you should wait until everyone is ready.

Everyone meaning the kids. If your like my family, you have two very different kids. My oldest is like me; she internalizes her feelings and moves through things more quickly than her little sister, who feels every emotion possible — sometimes all at once. As a parent, you know the vibe of your family and what the baseline of good looks and feels like. While closure is a myth in death and grief, and they will always miss their dead pet, it’s important that they’ve moved past the heartache of losing that pet and are ready to bring a new one into their lives.

Everyone also means you, the parent. Look, not unlike taking the dog out, you were the one lying on the floor with your dog or cat as they were in pain. At the end of the day, they snuggled with you looking for comfort. The emotional weight of losing a pet is all over the stories we told last fall. Scott said that he would never put himself through it again. That’s okay. My friend Mary Kate? Her world is incomplete without a dog.

Getting a new dog, cat, pony or fish shouldn’t be something that you act upon until everyone is ready, and that includes the adults that will likely repeat this cycle again as kids head off to college and start their own lives.

Postscript

Going back to the little kids for a second, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommends these books for parents to help explain the death of a pet:

They’re going to be alright. There will be challenges along the way — it’s change and no one likes to abandon the familiar for the unknown — but children are this magical mix of fragility and resiliency. It takes some work by us, as parents, to facilitate the process and guide them along the way, but they do get there.

Final Thoughts on Finality

“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.”

— John Steinbeck