I can relate to this so well having gone through it and thank you both for the thoughtfulness and vulnerability in this post. What struck me at my core is at no point did our fertility specialist suggest therapy would be beneficial. Eventually we did get the support we needed. Today we are proud parents of our adopted daughter and today the house is very empty now that she is on her next adventure in college.
Hi Jared. Man, this is gritty, honest and important. Thanks to you and Missy. Your questions, and her responses blended in a way that lit this piece up. Clearly you both picked strong, self-aware, big-hearted partners. Missy's insights are like gold mined from a very painful river.
I love the way you both draw attention to the potential, often overlooked, connection between grief and trauma. Maybe a topic for another day?
I hope it’s okay for me to offer an extended comment. I know you are not speaking for men as a group, Jared, and are speaking on a very personal level, but your experience is powerful, and your ability to communicate is so skillful, I wonder if some readers may be tempted to overgeneralize your experiences to men as a whole.
I have to admit, I cringed just a bit when I read this quote from the U.K Miscarriage Association:
"After miscarriage people often assume that the woman’s loss is greater than the man’s because of her physical connection to the baby. This may be true for you. You may feel disappointed rather than distressed."
Yes, this is true for some men, but for many others grief after pregnancy loss is intense and complex. Men sometimes fall into the trap of believing their grief is less important than a female partner’s or that they have no right to grieve, that they should “suck it up” and “be strong” for a partner. Or that they are “weak” if they grieve.
Some men (and, as Missy notes, women) rationalize their grief away by telling themselves things like “It’s not a real loss.” Or, as the quote above makes clear, by assuming “It was my partner who felt the heartbeat inside her body, not mine. She’s the one who experienced the loss, I’m just a bystander.” Men may also receive subtle or overt messages, and/or social pressure, to be stoical, and to “get on with things.”
As you point out, mental health support is often inadequate or lacking, and parents are often left to take the initiative to find therapists and/or support groups and resources on their own. Unfortunately, men are often less apt to take the initiative, and when such help is offered may be less receptive to accepting it.
Coincidentally, I wrote an article about men and grief after miscarriage which is scheduled for publication later this year in Social Work Today. I cannot share a link since it’s still on the editorial drawing board, but here are a few snippets I dug out from the draft (citations deleted) in case it's of any interest:
"According to Britta White, MSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in pregnancy loss, “Men may feel pressure to minimize or suppress their grief in order to ‘hold it together’. They may be less likely to verbalize feelings, and more likely to try to avoid grief or trauma by throwing themselves into tasks, work, or supporting a grieving partner. Some may use alcohol or substances in attempts to numb underlying emotional pain.”
A study analyzing existing research on the impact of pregnancy loss on men found that they tend to report less intense and less enduring levels of psychological distress than women but are more likely to engage in negative “compensatory” behaviors such as increased alcohol consumption.
The analysis also found that “men often feel that their role is primarily as a ‘supporter’ to their female partner, and that this precludes recognition of their own loss. These studies also reported that men may feel overlooked and marginalized in comparison to their female partners, whose pain is typically more visible...”
"…This masking and/or displacement of emotions, as well as the fact that men don’t share the same kind of physical connection with an expected infant, has caused some healthcare and mental health professionals, as well as normative cultural beliefs, to assume men do not significantly bond with an unborn child and do not grieve the loss, or that their grief is less intense.
Recent research, however, has found such bonding can be significant and often begins early in a pregnancy. “It’s a misconception,” says White, “that a father does not have a strong bond with the unborn child. The early stages of pregnancy can foster a powerful emotional connection within men as they envision their future as father. The shattering of these dreams, even at an early stage, can be devastating.”
I'm sorry for being so longwinded. I hope it's okay to engage in this way. Thanks to you both for tackling this topic with such courage and honesty. My comments are in no way intended as a critique on your journey, Jared, which is so damn painful. You and Missy nailed how hard this stuff is and how hard it can be on relationships. I just did not want people to read this DN and walk away thinking “Oh, I guess it’s only women who grieve.” Conversely, I’m also not implying that there is anything wrong with men who don’t feel grief. It’s so dang complex. Thanks again for shining a light on this topic!
I have followed your weekly postings on Sunstack since they first began. So many have spoken to me but today’s is so important, since miscarriage and its effects on the mother is rarely explored. Knowing Missy as a teaching colleague and friend made her reflections on her/your story especially meaningful. Thank you for continuing to explore these sensitive topics.
I can relate to this so well having gone through it and thank you both for the thoughtfulness and vulnerability in this post. What struck me at my core is at no point did our fertility specialist suggest therapy would be beneficial. Eventually we did get the support we needed. Today we are proud parents of our adopted daughter and today the house is very empty now that she is on her next adventure in college.
Thank you for sharing that Marie.
Hi Jared. Man, this is gritty, honest and important. Thanks to you and Missy. Your questions, and her responses blended in a way that lit this piece up. Clearly you both picked strong, self-aware, big-hearted partners. Missy's insights are like gold mined from a very painful river.
I love the way you both draw attention to the potential, often overlooked, connection between grief and trauma. Maybe a topic for another day?
I hope it’s okay for me to offer an extended comment. I know you are not speaking for men as a group, Jared, and are speaking on a very personal level, but your experience is powerful, and your ability to communicate is so skillful, I wonder if some readers may be tempted to overgeneralize your experiences to men as a whole.
I have to admit, I cringed just a bit when I read this quote from the U.K Miscarriage Association:
"After miscarriage people often assume that the woman’s loss is greater than the man’s because of her physical connection to the baby. This may be true for you. You may feel disappointed rather than distressed."
Yes, this is true for some men, but for many others grief after pregnancy loss is intense and complex. Men sometimes fall into the trap of believing their grief is less important than a female partner’s or that they have no right to grieve, that they should “suck it up” and “be strong” for a partner. Or that they are “weak” if they grieve.
Some men (and, as Missy notes, women) rationalize their grief away by telling themselves things like “It’s not a real loss.” Or, as the quote above makes clear, by assuming “It was my partner who felt the heartbeat inside her body, not mine. She’s the one who experienced the loss, I’m just a bystander.” Men may also receive subtle or overt messages, and/or social pressure, to be stoical, and to “get on with things.”
As you point out, mental health support is often inadequate or lacking, and parents are often left to take the initiative to find therapists and/or support groups and resources on their own. Unfortunately, men are often less apt to take the initiative, and when such help is offered may be less receptive to accepting it.
Coincidentally, I wrote an article about men and grief after miscarriage which is scheduled for publication later this year in Social Work Today. I cannot share a link since it’s still on the editorial drawing board, but here are a few snippets I dug out from the draft (citations deleted) in case it's of any interest:
"According to Britta White, MSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in pregnancy loss, “Men may feel pressure to minimize or suppress their grief in order to ‘hold it together’. They may be less likely to verbalize feelings, and more likely to try to avoid grief or trauma by throwing themselves into tasks, work, or supporting a grieving partner. Some may use alcohol or substances in attempts to numb underlying emotional pain.”
A study analyzing existing research on the impact of pregnancy loss on men found that they tend to report less intense and less enduring levels of psychological distress than women but are more likely to engage in negative “compensatory” behaviors such as increased alcohol consumption.
The analysis also found that “men often feel that their role is primarily as a ‘supporter’ to their female partner, and that this precludes recognition of their own loss. These studies also reported that men may feel overlooked and marginalized in comparison to their female partners, whose pain is typically more visible...”
"…This masking and/or displacement of emotions, as well as the fact that men don’t share the same kind of physical connection with an expected infant, has caused some healthcare and mental health professionals, as well as normative cultural beliefs, to assume men do not significantly bond with an unborn child and do not grieve the loss, or that their grief is less intense.
Recent research, however, has found such bonding can be significant and often begins early in a pregnancy. “It’s a misconception,” says White, “that a father does not have a strong bond with the unborn child. The early stages of pregnancy can foster a powerful emotional connection within men as they envision their future as father. The shattering of these dreams, even at an early stage, can be devastating.”
I'm sorry for being so longwinded. I hope it's okay to engage in this way. Thanks to you both for tackling this topic with such courage and honesty. My comments are in no way intended as a critique on your journey, Jared, which is so damn painful. You and Missy nailed how hard this stuff is and how hard it can be on relationships. I just did not want people to read this DN and walk away thinking “Oh, I guess it’s only women who grieve.” Conversely, I’m also not implying that there is anything wrong with men who don’t feel grief. It’s so dang complex. Thanks again for shining a light on this topic!
This is so important to consider and I appreciate you sharing all of this ❤️
Missy, you are brave. Jared, you are honest. What a beautiful combination in marriage and parenthood.
❤️this was hard and scary to write.
I have followed your weekly postings on Sunstack since they first began. So many have spoken to me but today’s is so important, since miscarriage and its effects on the mother is rarely explored. Knowing Missy as a teaching colleague and friend made her reflections on her/your story especially meaningful. Thank you for continuing to explore these sensitive topics.
❤️thank you Pat!