One More Question XIV: Avoiding Small Talk
No, I'm probably not going to meet you for coffee.
NOTE FROM JARED: I have a quick four-question, anonymous, confidential, mostly multiple-choice survey that will help me with planning future editions of Dirt Nap. Your opinion would be most valued.
The last time I talked to Cheryl Abrams was in a Zoom chat. We were in attendance at a board meeting for the local Public Relations Society of America chapter and we talked about maybe getting together for coffee to talk shop.
It was never going to happen, of course. I talk a big game but the chances of me leaving my house during the work day to meet up with someone are less than zero. You know the memes about people who cancel plans because they just don’t want to go somewhere? Hi. It’s me.
I let the invitation for coffee fade into the ether and moved on. A couple of months later, our board president mentioned that Cheryl was going to step back from the board to concentrate on some health concerns. Things happen and I didn’t think much of it.
The news arrived in my inbox on Thursday that Cheryl had died at a local hospice care facility. It was news that I didn’t expect, but then again, I was barely an acquaintance and couldn’t be bothered to have coffee with her.
Nonetheless, the death of someone you know makes an impact. The depth and breadth of the crater it leaves on your life is dictated by the proximity of your orbits. There have been plenty of people where, upon learning of their passing, has been shrugged shoulders. Cheryl’s death, at the very least, drove me to write something.
Cheryl made a genuine effort at connection and I did my best to dodge it, as I have done for much of the past decades. My insularity is probably the result of past scars and not wanting to extend myself anymore than necessary. What’s necessary, you ask? Good question. I moved into a new neighborhood nearly three years ago and became part of a brand new social ecosystem, which was absolutely necessary. I continue to meet new people at the job I started four years ago, so that too is necessary. The definition gets more elastic beyond that.
Not that I’ve drawn the line with meeting new people. There are perfectly fine people that I’ve known for a long time that I haven’t really made much of an effort to see or stay in communication with. They didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve just become more selfish with my time. Thinking about one’s mortality through this lens, I’m 47 years old and my indeterminately finite time left is waning. If I’m going to take myself away from hanging out with my wife — who I genuinely enjoy spending time with — or my family or close friends, then I’m going to be picky. I look forward to making small talk about as much as my upcoming colonoscopy.
Anyhow, I’m sure there’s some lesson for me to learn here. If this were a self-help or a life coach type Substack, there would be an inspiring message about going and having that coffee or taking that trip or growing by making yourself uncomfortable. That life is too short to stay cooped in your dwelling and not discovering new people or things. I’m not going to do that to you, as it would be just as disingenuous as my making plans to have coffee with you.
Things I’ve Consumed Recently…
Book I’m Finally Reading: The Barn: The Secret History of a Murder in Mississippi by Wright Thompson.
Mostly Non-Political Thing(s) I’ve Read Recently Worth Sharing:
Cecile Richards Isn’t Giving Up The Fight (Texas Observer): Cecile Richards died last week. This interview was supposed to run next month, but the magazine published it to commemorate her passing.
Twelve Dudes and a Hype Tunnel: Scenes from the ‘Super Bowl for Excel Nerds’ (New York Times): This has all the makings of an AI-generated fever dream, but it appears to have been a real thing that happened.
Capitalism!
Like any good online content creator, I drop affiliate links from time to time. Amazon links to books or whatnot earn me a few shekels from Emperor Bezos if you spend money when you click.
Sign up for Rakuten or Ibotta using my links and we will both get some free stuff. Plus savings. Think of the savings!
If you bought your child a device this holiday season, I would highly suggest investing in a monitoring service to help you track what they’re watching, saying, seeing and otherwise. Bark is nifty and one that we use with our oldest’s phone. If you use my link, we both get free stuff.
Dirt Nap is the Substack newsletter about death, grief and dying that is written and edited by Jared Paventi. It is free and we simply ask that you subscribe and/or share with others.
We are always looking for contributors and story ideas. Drop a line at jaredpaventi@substack.com.
I’m all over social media if you want to chat. Find me on Facebook and LinkedIn. I’m also on Bluesky, and doom scroll Instagram at @jaredpaventi.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or chat live at 988lifeline.org. For additional mental health resources, visit our list.